


oh it's such a strange and unforgiving life

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Family Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:25:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9876338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: “Robert, she’s only trying to help.” Victoria looked shocked. “Dad would have been dead proud of you.”Robert wanted to be sick. “No, no he wouldn’t have.”“Robert -““He wouldn’t have been proud of me.” Robert shook his head. “He’d have hated me being married to a man.”after talking to the prison about his worries for aaron's mental health, robert is iced out by his husband, and robert's issues with his father finally come to a head.





	

“Robert, Robert wait!” 

Robert couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t breathe, or think - Aaron had taken him off his visitors list. 

He couldn’t see Aaron. 

Robert stood at the sink, his chest heaving.

“Robert, what’s wrong? Whats happened?” Victoria sounded terrified, Diane by her side. 

Robert looked up at them. “I told the prison about Aaron’s self harming. If they thought he was at risk, they’d take him away from the rest of the inmates, and I figured he’d be safe, that he’d be safe until the appeal.”

He’d told Chas what he’d planned to do, and she’d supported him on it. Aaron had a new bruise or cut on his face every time they’d gone to see him, and they were all terrified.

“And they won’t do it?” Victoria sounded confused.

“They did it, that’s the problem.” Robert felt hot, frustrated tears pricking at his eyes. “Aaron’s on 24 hour watch, he’s being housed separately to the rest of the prison, so he’s going to be safe.”

“Why’s that a problem, love?” Diane asked. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“He won’t talk to me.” Robert admitted. “He’s taken me off his visitors list, he won’t call me. Liv tried to give me her phone to talk to him this morning when he called her, and he hung up. Aaron’s never going to forgive me for this.”

Victoria wrapped her arms around him tightly, holding him close. “Oh, Robert.”

Robert couldn’t hold back his tears, feeling them stream down his face as his sister hugged him. “I miss him so much, Vic. Visiting him was what was keeping me going, and now I can’t do that, I can’t hear his voice.”

Robert missed his husband so much, it hurt. There was a physical ache in his chest at Aaron’s absence, an ache that was only getting worse every single day Aaron spent inside, and not with him.

He thought he was doing his best.

Robert thought he had been doing the right thing, the only thing he could do to keep Aaron safe. 

“Listen to me love.” Diane said, her voice firm. “You are doing the right thing. You are doing everything you can to keep your Aaron safe, and he’ll see that - maybe he’s angry right now, but thats because he’s alone in there.”

“Diane’s right, Robert.” Victoria agreed. “You did the right thing, you’re keeping him safe. Aaron’ll see that, he’ll see that when the appeal gets heard and you get him out.”

“What if the appeal doesn’t go our way?” Robert asked, his great fear showing. “What if he has to serve the year under 24 hour watch?”

“That’s not going to happen.” Victoria shook her head. “Adam said he’d be out after six months for good behaviour, worst case scenario.”

“Robert, you are doing the best you can.” Diane interjected again. “You’ve been a rock, these past few weeks, stepping up for Aaron. Your dad would be so proud of you, you know that? Seeing you step up for the man you love.”

Robert’s heart dropped. “No.”

“I mean it, he’d be so proud -“

“ _No_.” Robert surprised himself by shouting, detaching himself from Victoria. “No, don’t talk about him.”

“Robert, she’s only trying to help.” Victoria looked shocked. “Dad would have been dead proud of you.”

Robert wanted to be sick. “No, no he wouldn’t have.”

“Robert -“

“He wouldn’t have been proud of me.” Robert shook his head. “He’d have hated me being married to a _man_.”

“You don’t know that. He was our dad, Robert, he loved you.”

“He knew.” Robert blurted, trying not to look at Diane and Victoria’s equally as confused faces. “He knew I was bisexual, and he hated it. He’d have hated me for this, hated me for choosing Aaron.”

He couldn’t hold it in anymore, dropping to sit on the couch, trying to catch his breath.

Telling Aaron had been terrifying, but this was worse.

“Robert, what do you mean, he knew?” Victoria asked tentatively. 

“You probably don’t remember the farmhand we had, the summer I was fifteen.” Robert asked, looking between Diane, and Victoria. Victoria was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, Diane standing behind her.

Victoria shook her head. 

“S’pose you were only eight.” Robert said, trying to ignore how much his hands were shaking. “Tom. His name was Tom, he was a bit older than me, I think. He was nice, he made me laugh.”

“I remember him.” Diane offered. “Nice lad, though he was an awful skive.”

Robert shook his head. “He was a harder worker than Andy even was. I - we got on. One day, we were up in my room, and he kissed me. I’d know I’d _liked_ him, but I kind of hadn’t been expecting it.”

It was the first time he’d kissed another bloke. Robert could still remember the way his stomach had flipped, the feeling so different to what he was used to - good different, exciting different.

Tom had been all hard lines and a hint of stubble, and if he tried hard enough, Robert could remember the way he’d smelled, all grassy and sweaty, the aftermath of a hard days work on the farm.

“Dad walked in.” Robert admitted, a sob escaping his lips. “Dad walked in, and he snapped. He sacked Tom on the spot, told him he didn’t want the likes of him near any of his family, near his son.”

“Oh, Robert.” Victoria’s voice was soft.

“He leathered me.” Robert spat out, his voice harsh. “I was fifteen years old, and he _leathered_ me for kissing another boy.”

Robert couldn’t stop his tears now, sobbing freely. He could still remember the first crack of his father’s hand against his cheek, the furious look in his eyes as he’d told Robert in no uncertain terms that no son of his was going to be that way inclined.

He remembered sitting in the bath, hours later, examining the bruise across his ribs and his still bright red cheek. Robert had sat in the cold water and cried his heart out, cried and cried and just _cried_. 

It hadn’t felt wrong, to kiss Tom, but Jack had made him feel wrong, like he was dirty or something.

“I didn’t want to disappoint him any more than I already did.” Robert choked out through his tears. “He made me feel wrong, and _dirty_. So I buried it, I pretended like it wasn’t happened, that I wasn’t bisexual.”

Victoria clearly couldn’t hold herself back any longer, scrambling across the room to gather Robert into her arms, holding him close. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she said softly, running her fingers through Robert’s hair. 

Robert couldn’t talk. It felt like he was letting fifteen years worth of tears out, like he was finally done bottling it all up. 

Victoria’s words were firm and her hands were gentle as she held him close, telling him how much she loved him, how it was going to be okay.

“I didn’t want to tell you.” Robert admitted as he got his breathing under control, still curled up against Victoria. He’d soaked through her chef’s jacket with his tears, and the room was swimming as more still fell from his eyes.

“You should have told us.” Victoria said. “You shouldn’t have had to go through that alone, Robert.”

“Aaron knows.” Diane said, her voice quiet. “Right? That’s why he was so quick to step in and stop me talking about your dad at the wedding.”

Robert nodded. “He wanted me to tell you.”

“I’m glad you have.” Victoria said, pressing a kiss to the top of Robert’s head. “I am, I’m glad you have.” 

“I didn’t want you to think less of dad.” Robert said quietly. “You love him."

“I love him.” Victoria confirmed. “But it’s not like I didn’t know he wasn’t a perfect man, Robert. You and Andy always think I didn’t know any of what went on when we were younger, but I do. I know dad wasn’t as good as he made out he was.”

“I didn’t think you’d believe me.” Robert said, directing his words at Diane. 

“He shouldn’t have done that to you.” Diane shook her head. “If he was still alive, I’d wring that bloody man’s neck for what he did to you. There’s nothing wrong about you loving Aaron now, and there was nothing wrong with you liking that farmhand then.”

“I know that now.” Robert mumbled. “Believed he was right though, for a long time.”

“Oh, Robert.” Victoria was sympathetic. “Is that why you were so adamant you were straight, even after the affair came out?”

“I didn’t want to be anything but straight.” Robert felt his tears start up again. “I tried so hard to ignore it, but Aaron - I loved him too much to stop it. I tried to pretend I didn’t, but I loved him so much, more than Chrissie.”

Victoria hugged him even tighter. “I’m proud of you, Robert.” 

“I’m proud of you and all.” Diane squeezed his knee. “How about I make you a cup of tea, eh? You could do with one.”

Robert nodded, happy to let his little sister hug him tightly, rocking him back and forth. He felt as though he was all out of tears now, like he’d cried enough to last him a lifetime.

He couldn’t help but feel hollow. 

He just wished Aaron was here, to take Victoria’s place, and hold him close, and tell him it would all be okay. 

But Aaron wasn't even talking to him. 

“Victoria? I hate to interrupt, but Marlon’s rushed off his feet, he’ll have a conniption if you don’t get back into the kitchen.” Chas’ apologetic voice came from the doorway.

“S’ok.” Robert managed to sit up, giving his sister a weak smile. “Diane’s here. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m finished in a few hours.” Victoria reassured. “And then I’m going to cook you dinner, and we’re going to watch some stupid movie, the two of us and Liv, and it’s going to be alright.”

“Thanks, sis.” 

Victoria fixed her hat, pushing past Chas and into the pub. 

Robert sat alone on the couch for a second, watching as Diane made herself busy making tea. He knew Diane, and he knew that she was trying to wrap her head around what he'd admitted in her own way.

She’d loved Jack, too. It was hard to hear things like that about a man you’d married. 

“I didn’t mean to overhear.” 

Robert looked up to see Chas perching herself next to him on the couch, her expression one of concern. “S’ok, it’s your pub.”

Chas gave him a sad smile. “It’s your home.”

It didn’t feel like much of a home without Aaron.

“I’m sorry, you had to go through all that with your dad.” Chas offered. “When Aaron came out, all I cared about was him being happy. The day Adam found him in that garage, it was the worst day of my life - I couldn’t care less that he preferred blokes, all I cared about was him having a happy life.”

Robert nodded. He’d heard it before, from Aaron.

“I can’t imagine any parent slapping you around the place because of who you fall for.”Chas hugged him tightly, pressing a kiss to the side of Robert’s head. “That’s not right.”

“Thanks, Chas.” Robert said hoarsely, relaxing into the hug his mother-in-law was giving him.

“You’re doing your best for our Aaron.” Chas said, her voice firm. “He mightn’t be able to see it now, and he will. And if it counts for anything, well - I’m proud of you and all.”

Robert couldn’t hide the shock on his face.

“Who’d have thought it, eh?” Chas laughed. “The two of us, getting on like a house on fire.”

“The world must be ending.” Robert agreed, trying his best to return the smile. 

“I’ll leave you to chat to Diane.” Chas said, giving his arm a squeeze before she headed back into the pub. 

Robert watched as Diane tucked a packet of ginger biscuits under her arm, carrying two cups of tea with her. 

“Laced with sugar, just how you like it.” Diane passed him a mug, sitting down next to him on the couch.

“Thanks, Diane.”

“I’ve not been the best mother to you, over the years.” Diane said, taking a sip of her tea. “I promised your dad I’d always look out for the three of you, but I’ve let you down, just like Jack did.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not, Robert.” Diane shook her head. “You have your moments where I’d strangle you, you really do - but you’re a good man, Robert, and I don’t tell you that enough. You’re a good man, and I am proud of who you’ve become, how strong you’re being for your Aaron.”

Robert took a sip of his tea, the sugar sweetness hitting the back of his throat. Diane always did make the best cup of tea, only second to Val’s - she’d always lace her cuppa’s with a drop of brandy, for shock she’d always say. 

“You shouldn’t have had to go through all that on your own.” Diane said. “And I’m sorry, and I know your father would be.”

“Diane, don’t.”

“No, I want to say this Robert. If he was still alive, I’d knock some sense into that stupid man, because the way you’ve stepped up for Aaron this year, the way you’ve been there for him, for Liv - that’s what I’d call being a good man.” Diane said, giving his hand a squeeze. “Aaron will understand why you’ve done what you’ve done.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Diane said confidently. “Because you’re going to get your husband home, and that’s what matters.”

“I just want him here, Diane.” Robert said quietly, his eyes welling up with tears again.

“I know.” Diane set her cup down on the coffee table, wrapping an arm around Robert. “I know, pet. I wish I could make this all better for you, I do.”

Robert let Diane hold him close, sipping at his cup of tea.

It was hard.

It was hard to tell his stepmother, his sister what had happened between him and Jack.

It was hard to tell them without Aaron there.

But he’d told them, and for the first time in fifteen years, Robert felt like a weight had been lifted.

 

 

 

 

**fin**.

**Author's Note:**

> i really, sincerely hope that the little nod to jack in the wedding episode is foreshadowing for robert actually talking to diane and vic about what happened. i'm also impatient and don't want to wait to see it on screen, so this happened. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed!


End file.
